I agree with the title of debut author Emma Price's upcoming book, "Never Google Baby." In fact, I advise against looking up anything to do with pregnancy or you'll be paralyzed with fear.
Even the most innocent question ("Is it okay to eat yogurt?") can lead you down a rabbit's hole of horror stories, either in the sidebar or as follow-up questions to an original post. (And I never claimed to be emotionally healthy to begin with.) Unfortunately, this glut of information isn't restricted to the Internet; baby books are terrifying, too.
Here are but a few precious pearls of wisdom I've collected on my journey so far:
1. Did you ingest caffeine, cigarette smoke, sushi, unpasteurized cheese or alcohol within a few short years of thinking about conceiving? It's too late: you've already given your baby Alzheimer's.
2. Being tired is perfectly normal. But if you're "too" tired, you might have gestational diabetes.
3. Having swollen feet is perfectly normal. But if they're "too" swollen, you might have edema.
4. Bleeding gums and bloody noses are perfectly normal. But if they're "too" bloody, you might have gingivitis, which triggers pre-term labor.
5. Backaches are perfectly normal. But if you're "too" achy, YOU'RE ABOUT TO GIVE BIRTH!
6. Feeling stressed out?* (Stress? Why on earth would I be stressed?) Book yourself a spa day. But never use nail polish, nail polish remover, makeup, sunscreen, moisturizer or deodorant. Those chemicals may harm your baby.
*By the way, stress is bad for the baby.