Thursday, October 20, 2011

It's Too Late: You've Already Given Your Baby Alzheimer's

I agree with the title of debut author Emma Price's upcoming book, "Never Google Baby."  In fact, I advise against looking up anything to do with pregnancy or you'll be paralyzed with fear.

Even the most innocent question ("Is it okay to eat yogurt?") can lead you down a rabbit's hole of horror stories, either in the sidebar or as follow-up questions to an original post. (And I never claimed to be emotionally healthy to begin with.) Unfortunately, this glut of information isn't restricted to the Internet; baby books are terrifying, too.

Here are but a few precious pearls of wisdom I've collected on my journey so far:

1. Did you ingest caffeine, cigarette smoke, sushi, unpasteurized cheese or alcohol within a few short years of thinking about conceiving? It's too late: you've already given your baby Alzheimer's.

2. Being tired is perfectly normal. But if you're "too" tired, you might have gestational diabetes.

3. Having swollen feet is perfectly normal. But if they're "too" swollen, you might have edema.

4. Bleeding gums and bloody noses are perfectly normal. But if they're "too" bloody, you might have gingivitis, which triggers pre-term labor.

5. Backaches are perfectly normal. But if you're "too" achy, YOU'RE ABOUT TO GIVE BIRTH!

6. Feeling stressed out?*  (Stress? Why on earth would I be stressed?) Book yourself a spa day. But never use nail polish, nail polish remover, makeup, sunscreen, moisturizer or deodorant. Those chemicals may harm your baby.

*By the way, stress is bad for the baby.


  1. LOL!!! SO TRUE. I can't tell you how many times I freaked out about totally normal pregnancy symptoms. Women were better off when they weren't able to look up every weird pregnancy disease with the click of a button.

    Just wait until after you have the baby when an old lady is bound to steal your chocolate cake, claiming, "you can't eat that, it will give your baby colic."

    I'll admit I wouldn't dye my hair while I was pregnant because I was worried about the chemicals, but I definitely used deodorant and mounds of unpasteurized cheese and none of my kids are *too* messed up. :)

  2. Oh, man. I used to work in editorial at a pregnancy magazine and I was amazed by all the warnings and constant studies and etc., etc. Although I am childless, I feel like pregnancy was probably a LOT easier to deal with before the Internet or any of the What to Expect books existed. Hang in there!

    And congratulations! When are you due??

  3. LOL. Aww, I forgot how scary it all is. It's okay. You and your baby will be FINE. Women have been doing this for CENTURIES before us, and they didn't have any of this info to pop out perfect babies. Yet they did. :)

    I have to say one of the most helpful books for me was What to Expect When Your Expecting (

    It calmed my fears without giving me more. It was actually almost my bible. :)